The Macon Statement

Have You Considered Marriage?

George Bernard Shaw said, “Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.” Marriage is popular, and contrary to musical prose, breaking up is not hard to do. Have you wondered why so many marriages fail? When you get married, are you going to get divorced? If you said no, realize that statistics are against you because over 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. This is tragic and terrible. And of the marriages that do not end in divorce, many possess no joy or love. Realize that marriage may be the greatest decision you will make in your life. Why does divorce happen? I have taken it upon myself to outline some outstanding advice about marriage that should prove useful if you are even dating someone or would like to get married in the future.

Quick, what is the most important quality necessary in marriage? Did you say love? Love? Are you sure? Think again. Experts have concluded that the two most important qualities in a marriage are….not love! They are communication and commitment. Yes, these are both more important than love. When there is no communication, there is no relationship. A relationship is only as good as its communication. When communication contains bitterness, lies, anger, fear, or criticism, the relationship possesses those same qualities. Also, a marriage will only be as strong as the commitment. There will be days, weeks or months when life treats you bad, when your body fails you, or when you simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed. On those days, you will not stay married because of love. You stay married because you made a promise, a commitment. So, communication and commitment are the keys to a wonderful relationship that lasts and improves.

Love is important, but many people do not know what love is. A man was accused by his wife that he never told her he loved her. He replied, “I told you I loved you when we were married, didn’t I? If I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know.” Saying, “I love you” is a part of marriage. Some people believe love is the mushy, tingling feeling you have when you are attracted to someone.

God, in His wisdom, gave all of us hormones to make all of us feel excited about marriage to enhance our commitment to each other, but love is not the hormonal rush. It has been said that, “Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.” Sex is a small part of marriage. I can hear some men responding by saying, “Not in my marriage buddy!” Well, take a look around you and find just one man who has been married for more than twenty-five years who believes sex is the most important part of his marriage. And if you find someone like that, ask yourself if that man is the kind of person you want to be when you have been married for more than twenty-five years. Marital experts state that sex is about 5% of a healthy marriage relationship. Love has much more to do with sharing unselfishly, expressing kindness, and desiring the best for another.

Unfortunately, there is no manual on marriage. We usually know good relationships and marriages when we see them, but to verbalize what makes a marriage good or bad is difficult. Marriage, like love, is difficult to define. A great marriage relationship happens when the partners are neither totally dependent on each other nor totally independent of each other. Interdependence describes healthy relationships where each partner in the marriage is their own person and yet dynamically joined with the other. I have heard older couples say with pride, “I’ve been married to Joe Schmoe for forty years and we’ve never had an argument!” I always think to myself, “Someone’s getting smashed,” because someone is not registering their personality and beliefs into the union. Be true to yourself and your feelings.

How do you pick a good marriage partner? Many people see marriage as a search for Mr. or Mrs. Right, and this should be avoided. Marriage is more about being the right person than picking the right person. If your focus is on who the other person is, this will lead to frustration in your relationships. So, picking the right person is not the healthiest approach to marriage. There are specific characteristics that increase the chance for a long, healthy union.

Women, look at the way your boyfriend treats his mother because that is almost exactly how he is going to treat you after two years of marriage. Also, men almost never improve their relationship skills after marriage. Frankly, marriage, or for that matter any relationship, is not as important to men as for women. Finally, couples who have sexual intimacy before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

Men, listen to the way your girlfriend talks about other people because that is the way she is going to talk about you after two years of marriage. Marry a friend, not the beauty queen. If your friend also happens to be a beauty queen, consider it a bonus. If you start kissing and holding hands before you establish a friendship, you are seriously jeopardizing your ability to rationally evaluate someone you like. Also, women find conversation very romantic.

Do you know the number one reason people get divorced? Failure to communicate about money! Some marital experts say that “money is the number one reason for divorce” but this is misleading. If you create a budget, make purchasing decisions together, appoint one person to keep the checkbook for a joint account, you can avoid many money related problems because these practices lead to healthy communication about the money in the relationship. Avoid every kind of debt except for the purchase of a house. That’s right, I recommend you rarely finance the purchase of vehicles. Financing cars used to be nonexistent, but financing today can include the purchase of anything with credit cards. If you cannot pay cash, don’t buy it.

Here’s some more practical advice. First, promise your partner that if either one of you wants to see a counselor, for any reason, the other will go along. Second, place your marriage relationship above your relationship to anyone and everything else except God. That means, place your relationship above parents, above children and above work. No one ever died regretting that they did not spend enough time at work! Third, if you do not like something about your partner or the relationship, look how you can change yourself to make the situation better instead of taking the lazy route and asking the other person to change.

Finally, make Jesus Christ the head of your marriage. Each of you should submit to the other under God. There are people who will argue that the Bible says (in Ephesians 5:22) that the woman should submit to the man so that the man is the head of the marriage, but the Bible also says (in Ephesians 5:21) that each of us should submit to each other. Human nature constantly wants to place something or someone between God and each of us like; the church, the Pope, the pastor, the virgin Mary, the Bible, some ritual, and now the husband! No! I personally believe that each of us is directly accountable to God. Your marriage will grow as you grow in your understanding of God. This is what I believe are the essentials to a great marriage. May the love you share with another grow bigger, deeper, and wider than you can imagine.

Want to talk about it? A student group called the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministries) meets every Tuesday at 12:15 in room 262 of the Student Center. And a group of faculty and staff called the Lydia Group are organized by Thyra Nelson once a month in the Student Center. Both groups welcome anyone wanting to learn more about Jesus and the Bible.

Rev. Chris Fuller, who contributed this editorial, is the head of the Baptist Collegiate Ministries at Macon State College and Mercer University.

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